College Living 101

For an anthropological study, the murky, questionably sanitary halls of fraternity houses are a goldmine of information. Before college, I always thought the disgust-factor of fraternities portrayed in movies was exaggerated for gratuitous, fantastical reasons. You know, like how Hollywood interprets every romantic comedy should come with a stuck-up bitch of a protagonist and a "free-spirited," hot foreign man to save her from herself, or vice versa. Boy, was I wrong. As I was led through the maze of pizza boxes, soda cans, kegs and unused mattresses (?) littered upon the floor, I , most unfortunately, became aware of a vague stench emanating from--well, everywhere. That's about the time that I realized that ew, boys really are disgusting and that shock, Hollywood got something right. Now, to be fair, in comparison, sorority houses are pretty clean and perky. In fact, the sheer cleanliness of a sorority house almost makes me giddy and regret I don't have the penchant, or the right hair color, to fit into such uh, "clubs".

Now, before I move onto my critique of the worst of the worst (read: DORMS), I'd like to throw in a few words about apartments. My take on apartments is lukewarm. They can be both amazing and hellish. It really depends on the type of people living there (and the level of their alcoholic consumption and/or the number of roommates who suffer from OCD) and how much they can stand each others' music and/or egos.

And now, the filthiest, scroungiest, most frightening of them all: dorms. Let me start by highlighting that dorms offer no escape. Need a private moment? Then get the fuck out of the dorms cause you sure as hell aren't gonna find it there. Need a quiet place to do some work? Again, LEAVE. I don't understand the point of dorms, really. By second semester I realized that if I ever needed to do work (which was always), then I had to leave and come back at night. So the $12,000 I was paying in dorm rent was really to pay for storage and 6 hours of sleep a night. Also, why is there NEVER any proper paper-goods at critical moments in the bathroom? I once had to scrounge up random toilet seat covers and paper-towel scraps for a friend paying his respects to the aforementioned Porcelain King. I forgot to mention, if you have claustrophobia issues, or ANY issues really, don't sign up to live in dorms. They're tiny as hell, loud and that suspicious stain on the lounging room couch probably is year old burrito blended with bile to give it that special aroma. Even though the only redeemable quality about dorms is that I made some awesome friends and had a kick-ass first year goofing off, my senses and my grades severely paid for it. What I mean is that dorms are terrifying and disgusting, but in the end, it's the potential friendships that make them so appealing.

And that, folks, are your college living choices. Choose wisely! Of course, the other option for college living would be to commute and take up residence at home, but *shudder*, let's not get TOO crazy. Happy choosing-- oh and uh, try and avoid all suspicious stains. That's a good rule to live by in general.