College's Version of the Elixir of Everlasting Happiness

What is it about living on a college campus that makes you want to drive your heel into someone's face?

Sure, it's a great experience and you meet new people, have mind-blowing freedom and all that good stuff. But after a while, when you find yourself discussing Iranian politics with the stranger who's holding your legs up over the beer keg, you can't help but wonder you've surely gone insane.

While for some the archaic rituals of beer runs and toga parties will forever be held with as much esteem as other great American traditions (say, voting), for others--unfortunately for them-- seem to lose their lustful feelings toward the euphoria of intoxication after one too many an audience with the Porcelain King. And for others still, the grand effect wore off almost as soon as--and in some cases-- before it had even begun. I guess alcohol is a polarizing motherfucker.

For me personally, alcohol has always been somewhat of an enigma. For something tauted as the elixir of happy, blissful giddiness, it's sure caused it's fair share of trouble in my life. Between emergency rooms, blacking out and random acts of drunken bravery (and stupidity), I've learned that to dip my toe too far down into the bucket is a no-no. And yet day after day, hordes of college students pack themselves into minuscule houses to consume massive amounts of alcohol and par-tay (which mostly consists of random acts of stupidity. Note: as a sober observer, it makes me want to drive a heel into someone's face). Then again, who am I to judge? I've done the deed myself. These days, I tend to stay away. Irony never misses it's chance, as I'm now 22 and legally allowed, if not socially obliged, to consume as much alcohol as my puny liver desires.

As for all the rest of the population of my peers, whether they love it or they hate it, alcohol will unfortunately (dare I say, fortunately?) become a regular part of their lives. And so I propose a toast to every keg brimmed with beer a-brewin', to every vodka bottle stealthily hidden below a dorm bed, to every cheap white wine littering the cupboards of co-eds everywhere, here's to you. Oh and uh, I suppose I should toast to their owners' drunken endeavors as well: May all your drunken nights be fruitful and land you a hot chick/dude and a good lay! *raises glass*